I feel as if I am in some sort of middle ground, not sure if I would go as far as to say "no man's land" but it is an odd sort of place to be, not grounded and therefore a little crazy. I think that has something to do with just finishing a really intensive class - 6 weeks of it - had a week away from academics and now the weekend before school starts, am having some much needed nap time, catching up on an old episode of "Grey's Anatomy." I love these narratives at the beginning and end of the program; some of them are so profound and worth sharing. This one i used at the beginning of our women's retreat in May. Here is it...
"It doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us.
Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up."
Somehow I need to find a way of grounding myself in Chicago because this is where I am, for now, and in order to do as well as I can in school, I need to be emotionally here - fully. I love that God has given me friends and places of rest and peace and away from the city. So I have come out here to find some rest and time to be fully with my Creator and sustainer. As I was driving here, so many things were bothering me....not least of all the crazy way those on I-90 handle the highway; and I mean CRAZY. So, of course, my thoughts went to all things good in Bend where people drive with care, appreciate that the roads do not belong to them, don't get so mad because 70mph is just not fast enough. So my memories of Bend are perhaps a little rosy colored.
Apparently nothing bad happened, not that I remember anyway.... There might have been a pastor who resigned, a church that had to close, a nomadic living situation and other things that could be considered "wrong," but most of it was all good...and I miss that good. I miss the good that affirmed my calling as a pastor, the good where I received so much care and love, the good that told me over and over and over that I am a woman, gifted with many things, called by God to preach the gospel and the good of loving and being loved, appreciated for seeing a congregation through so many things and loving doing so.
But, for now, I am a final year Seminary student called to honor the tasks ahead of me. I am a little afraid of going back to the routine of papers, books, classes, late nights in the library and deadlines that taunt us with their dates. However, I wrote a friend last night that even though God has proved HIS faithfulness over and over and over and over...most apparently in the past few weeks but over my lifetime (without me being cognizant of that fact), I still have a problem with trusting that He really is for me and is working all things for good. How could I think after all that has happened that God could not be that good to me or that He could run out of "good." After all, He is good; don't we sing that all the time? Singing God is good, is like singing, God, You are You...
So that is my area of wrestling right now - trust. I know Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." So this week, that is what I am going to lean into; trusting God and letting Him do what he does; lead.
Thank you friends.
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