The movement of TIME

How is time going SO fast? I don't remember it ever going this fast. We are into week #7 of school....well, actually for me I think of it as being week #13, given that I studied Greek for 6 weeks and did not get a break so the way I am feeling right now is exactly where I should be for this stage of the semester.

Did I tell you that we have the best apartment view on campus? Well, we do.
I am sitting at my desk and if I swivel my chair around I can see the Sears Tower and the tower from Old Main. I have started to take pictures from the decking as after this year is over, I will be able to pictorially track the seasons in all their glorious colors. Shadows even in the middle of the day cast longer than they did 2 months ago, the mornings bring wonderfully crisp chills though I sit in my fleece, hot coffee in hand thankful that I have endless amounts of heat available at the touch of a button (well, not so much...i have to turn the dial).

So, back to time. It's Wednesday already and tomorrow is Thursday. Soon we will be into another weekend though next week will be delightfully class free, on account of fall break. I am not sure whether I think that routine makes time go faster or lack of routine turns time and days into an endless hours of freedom; I suppose that also depends on whether or not life is enjoyable so it is for me right now. That doesn't stop me from wishing that I could put the breaks on our days and want for the weeks, days, hours and seconds to slow down so that I can enjoy them all the more. We only have so many days and are called to make the most of every moment.

With that in mind, I need to go and study for my next midterm.

Keeping you posted on time....

Comparisons...

I have recently been considering this word and it's implications in my life; past and present but hopefully in a different way for the future. Have you ever been compared to someone else, in looks, style, gifts, talents, academic abilities and so on? I would be surprised to hear you say, "no" and even more surprised if you were to tell me that you, yourself, have not compared yourself to another in some way. I suppose from our earliest moments we are being compared to another - my kid is smarter, has learned faster, can already write their name, can read what the charts tells us they are able to read at their age, has "good" friends, is nice to those friends, is the right height, weight, shape, whatever that is desirable and this list goes on through grade school, middle and then high school. Then we get to college. I did my undergrad degree at a music conservatoire and comparisons by professors with my peers decided whether or not I was chosen for the chamber ("elite") orchestra, ensembles, or elected to attend particular conferences and seminars....lots of "who's better than the next" going on. It was written into our curriculum (or so it seemed), our esteem, our confidence and our futures. I suppose that when I look back on those times, it is no wonder that comparison to the other is almost intrinsically stained deeply my being and part of my thinking.

I am a compare freak. I admit it - and I am in the process of letting go of this dis-ease because I believe that it is one of the most unhealthy and well used tools of the evil one. If we can be convinced that we are less than what we are designed to be, then we will perhaps start losing the absolute truth that God is for us and not against us and that we uniquely designed, not for competition, but for good.

Last year my roommate, Sarah, and I were looking for internships and she secured her's before I did. She was leaving Chicago before I was; she would be driving out to Seattle for a coffee-shop job. I couldn't take any off-campus employment; the US government and visa regulations will not allow me. Sarah was going to a "healthy" church, with a pastor she had met at the Covenant's Annual Pastor's gathering (Mid Winter Conference). Sarah was prepared to go anywhere, and was fairly relaxed about where that anywhere was. I, on the other hand, really wanted to go to a church that was nearer the UK, i.e., the East Coast, or as close to Chicago as I could get, if not actually remaining in Chicago. However, God had other plans for me, plans that I did not like....a move to the Pacific North West (2000 miles in the "wrong" direction), a small church, one that had struggled and was apparently still struggling. Sarah was going to live with a couple who had consistently opened their home to young people in need of a home; no such place for me; I was invited to a couple with 2 very young children - apparently they were the only people to offer. Sarah sounded as if she would have a lot of space; I couldn't imagine space with 2 young children. Sarah was a small group coach on campus; I wanted to be one but was not given that opportunity. Sarah, it seemed got what she wanted; I did not. And yet, all the time, I was coming to realize that while I was comparing myself to her, God was gently telling me and showing me that He had plans uniquely for me; that was with what I needed to be concerned; not what was going on with others. Comparisons like these are dangerous and not worth the time and mind space to which I freely give them.

I have been considering comparisons in the Bible; they usually ended in disaster so perhaps the wisdom lies there. It starts with Cain getting upset that Abel's offering to the LORD was looked on with favor, but on Cain's offering, God did not look with favor. So Cain got mad, sulked and whined and in anger, killed his younger sibling. God was clear to Cain:

"Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?" (Genesis 4:6-7)

Cain knew what was the right thing to do but he didn't do it. He got upset that his brother was getting all the credit. Esau and Jacob were compared to each other by their parents (aren't parents supposed to love their children uniquely?) and they hated each other for a while. As Joseph's brothers compared themselves to him, they got bitter, threw him in a pit, then made money out of selling him to a bunch of Ishmaelites - kind of shoddy treatment to do to your flesh and blood.

The gospel writer, Luke, records an argument that broke out amongst the disciples about who was the greatest and Jesus demonstrated that the least is the greatest among us. But of all the biblical examples, it is disciple Peter who hits close to where my heart is when after all that has happened, he still turns around and seeing his buddy, John, asks Jesus what's going to happen to him. Jesus' answer strikes gently but firmly to the core of this post;

"If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." John 21:22

What is that to you? I wince at those words...I must follow Jesus and the road marked out uniquely for me. The comparison game is dangerous and out of tune with what is for me...not what is for someone else.

I want to be like King David who said, "Who am I, Sovereign Lord, and what is my familyk that you have brought me this far?" (2 Samuel 7:18) The Soverign Lord who has brought me through many dangers, toils and snares, but all the time preparing me for what is uniquely for me and not for anyone else. What else can I do but follow what is specific for me?

I will keep you posted on progress...

Good wisdom

So I read this today and wanted to share it;

Keep your eye on the prize, and you will get through...God will get you through.

When you say, "I am too tired", God says "I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30).
When you say "I can't go on", God says "My grace is sufficient" (II Cor 12:9 & Psalm 91:15).
When you say "I can't manage", God says "I will supply all your needs" (Philippians 4:19).
When you say "I am afraid", God says "I have not given you a spirit of fear" (II Tim 1:7).
When you say, "I can't figure things out", God says "I will direct your steps" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
When you say, "I feel all alone", God says "I will never leave you" (Hebrews 13:5)

That's all for today...

Sabbath rest

There is a reason that God commanded us to have a day of rest - or at least a time set aside when we would rest from our work;

"Six days you shall labor and so all your work. But the seventh is a sabbath to the LORD your God; you shall not do any work - you or your son or your daughter...remember that you were a slave in the Land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day." Deut 5:12

So today, after wise counsel from a friend, I rested - and had sabbath. After lunch, I decided to trust that even though the urge to go directly to the library and study for the week ahead was overwhelming (and perhaps normal routine) but as I am learning more about trust and also about God's faithfulness, I went to the beach instead. Quite the place to be as we are almost into the fall and so those days of summer and slumber are nearly over. Not that I was able to do any slumbering this summer - I have in years gone by and will perhaps again in the future. So I am trusting that God knows how tired I am, and therefore commanded to His people that they were to rest, not only them, but their families, servants and all those who resided amongst them to do so as well.

If only we were better at following this command but somehow we have allowed ourselves to sink into the state that if we are not busy all the time, the world will fall apart without us - which of course is not true, but we really do live like this - as westerners. How many of us who confess Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord can honestly say that we build Sabbath rest into our lives? Surely if God has commanded us to do so and He made us, He knows that we need it. Perhaps there would not be as many burned out people as there are in our workplaces if we all enjoyed Sabbath and encouraged each other to do likewise.

Tonight was also a gift. Foot washing with the sophomores...

"Now before the festival of the Passover, Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart from this world and go to the Father. Having loved his won who were in the world, he loved them to the end...And during supper, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had some from God and was going to God, got up from the table, took off his outer robe, and tied a towel around himself. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples feet and to wipe them with the towel that was tied around him....

After he has washed their feet, had put on his robe, and had returned to the table, he said to them, 'Do you know what I have done to you? You call me teacher and Lord and you are right, for that is what I am. So if I, your Lord and Teacher have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have set you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you.'" John 13; 1-15

So that's what we did as a symbol of serving each other, the North Park community, the neighborhood and the area of Chicago and the world as God calls us. Pretty cool!

Good night friends.

Trust...

This morning I read the following;

"Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.

As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord sourrounds his people both now and forevermore."

These verses are from Ps 125 and the theme of trust is a big one for me right now.

So why TRUST in particular? Well, I think that I wonder whether God is always for me or whether He is always for other people and only sometimes for me...sounds crazy but I think that I have lived some of my most recent life like that. People who know me well know that I did not want to go to Bend, OR, and then a year later had a lot of trouble leaving the place that I had grown to love and had loved me back. As I was driving from Bend to Chicago, I wondered if it would ever be possible for me to go back as there as a pastor after graduation as there was, for now, no Covenant Church and therefore no job possibilities. My heart still counts that as a home - very close to my first home in Edinburgh - and what about my "family" that I have left there? When am I going to see them again, and will we continue to be in each other's lives, albeit, from afar. So could God really call me to a place that is as good for me as Bend was or have I run out of my "good" coupons? What a crazy thing to think that the infinite God of the universe, who by His very word called light and it was so...darkness and it was so...the sun, the moon, the creatures...and it was so....How could this God run out of good? He is good so has an endless amount of good to give to His children. So I am learning to trust that God has way more good for me than all I could ask for or imagine and while this is a very different season of life from last year, it is not all bad - if indeed it is bad at all.

I have just finished the first week of my final year here at North Park, and I am exhausted. Usually at the beginning of the school year I am full of energy, raring to go, waking very early in the morning and enjoying the morning sounds with less noise outside, fewer fire trucks/ambulances, cars, and people, and the air is that bit fresher...however, not this semester. I am tired, mostly from jumping straight from arriving back to Chicago and into the Greek intensive class. Last week was moving week and then here we are, straight into school. Last week was far from restful as Sarah and I moved boxes and furniture into our "new" apartment, and then went about the task of unpacking those boxes and arranging our belongings as we wished....however there is only so much of that I can do at the one time. This weekend will be to unpack my "winter" suitcase, arrange the few remaining items into their allotted place and get on with the task of school with classes and assignments and all that school brings.

Yesterday I met with a friend who I have got to know a little over this past year and she reminded me that all I need to do is what I have to do to get myself through school....enough to do justice to what I been called to do, but not so much that I get stressed by the amount that there is to do...which could be a lot with 5 classes. So I spent most of this afternoon putting due dates into my calender and beginning to do reading and assignments already assigned. It feels good to have done that and to know that I still have Saturday and Sunday to continue the study process. Already I have 2 quizzes next week so I need to get onto that. With 2 language classes this semester, both are demanding and needing my attention in force so I am trying to keep my head above water as much as I can.

So trusting that God has me more than covered, knows exactly how exhausted I really am and longs for me to sit with Him every day wherever and whenever I can knowing that Jesus is the One who said, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." So this is where I come, knowing that, as a human being, I will get tired and there is only one place to lay that burden.

Blessings my friends.

Grounded...or not....?

I feel as if I am in some sort of middle ground, not sure if I would go as far as to say "no man's land" but it is an odd sort of place to be, not grounded and therefore a little crazy. I think that has something to do with just finishing a really intensive class - 6 weeks of it - had a week away from academics and now the weekend before school starts, am having some much needed nap time, catching up on an old episode of "Grey's Anatomy." I love these narratives at the beginning and end of the program; some of them are so profound and worth sharing. This one i used at the beginning of our women's retreat in May. Here is it...

"It doesn't matter how tough we are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows us home, it changes our lives, trauma messes everybody up. But maybe that's the point. All the pain and the fear and the crap. Maybe going through all that is what keeps us moving forward. It's what pushes us.
Maybe we have to get a little messed up before we can step up."

Somehow I need to find a way of grounding myself in Chicago because this is where I am, for now, and in order to do as well as I can in school, I need to be emotionally here - fully. I love that God has given me friends and places of rest and peace and away from the city. So I have come out here to find some rest and time to be fully with my Creator and sustainer. As I was driving here, so many things were bothering me....not least of all the crazy way those on I-90 handle the highway; and I mean CRAZY. So, of course, my thoughts went to all things good in Bend where people drive with care, appreciate that the roads do not belong to them, don't get so mad because 70mph is just not fast enough. So my memories of Bend are perhaps a little rosy colored.
Apparently nothing bad happened, not that I remember anyway.... There might have been a pastor who resigned, a church that had to close, a nomadic living situation and other things that could be considered "wrong," but most of it was all good...and I miss that good. I miss the good that affirmed my calling as a pastor, the good where I received so much care and love, the good that told me over and over and over that I am a woman, gifted with many things, called by God to preach the gospel and the good of loving and being loved, appreciated for seeing a congregation through so many things and loving doing so.

But, for now, I am a final year Seminary student called to honor the tasks ahead of me. I am a little afraid of going back to the routine of papers, books, classes, late nights in the library and deadlines that taunt us with their dates. However, I wrote a friend last night that even though God has proved HIS faithfulness over and over and over and over...most apparently in the past few weeks but over my lifetime (without me being cognizant of that fact), I still have a problem with trusting that He really is for me and is working all things for good. How could I think after all that has happened that God could not be that good to me or that He could run out of "good." After all, He is good; don't we sing that all the time? Singing God is good, is like singing, God, You are You...

So that is my area of wrestling right now - trust. I know Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths." So this week, that is what I am going to lean into; trusting God and letting Him do what he does; lead.

Thank you friends.

A life displayed

Tuesday morning...a little early to be awake, after all, there is no Greek to study...but good thinking time...

I came across some blogs belonging to fellow pastors and some thoughts came to mind.

It seems really strange that we can display our lives up on a blog for anyone in the world to read and follow. I wonder though, do anyone one of us who write these entries, apparently wanting them to be read, put the actual cold truth of our lives in such a public place? Whenever I read facebook or other people's blogs, I only read good stuff....never what people are really feeling - surely their lives cannot be that great ALL THE TIME....but perhaps they are. So that is the reason why I try to steer clear of blogs...where's the truth...the cold light of day truth....the truth that lets others know that life is really messy and most of the time we are barely surviving? For most of us, life is crazy...perhaps that's the way it was meant to be...it's a journey of adventure and can be off the charts exciting if we look at it from various angles, but it's still crazy.

Stuff happens in our lives that is not all good...of course that pushes me to write about stuff of which I am not comfortable sharing...stuff that happens that is not the way I had planned it to be in the hope that writing will push me to consider that all things are really being worked for good; is that a misuse of Scripture?

A couple of weeks ago in church, Pastor Mandy was coming to the end of the series on David. She is one awesome speaker....and I am just discovering that...and having started this series at the beginning of the summer, we were now at the stage of David finally becoming King, sitting in his beautifully cedar lined palace, surveying his surroundings. "Who am I, Sovereign Lord, and what is my family that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, Sovereign Lord, you have also spoken about the future of the house of your servant - and this decree, Sovereign Lord, is for a human being." (2 Samuel 7:18) She encouraged us to think of our own lives in that way - who am I, Sovereign Lord, that you would have taken a woman from Edinburgh, gift her musically, whisper to her to get up and move away from her family, to a place that is a little familiar but really quite foreign, and settle there for a while?

When I first came to Seminary, I did not know that I was heading to be a pastor; all I knew was that I was following the voice of the One who was doing the calling....my specific calling has come later, during a year long internship in Bend, OR (my second home).

As David said, "Here am I, living in this city at this time, been brought through places and classes that I had no idea how to get through, but my God is a faithful God who brings people into my life at just the right time..." Who I am, Sovereign Lord, that you would call me daughter, most precious child, in a world of fear, and doubt and destruction and unknown, and tell me that YOU are my peace, my protection and my provision?"

Here am I, living in an apartment in Chicago, entering my final year (I hope) of school....that, my readers, is a miracle...

It's raining again...so it's humid again...praise God for air-con...

Great people in great places

I knew that when I started to write a blog, I would not pay it that much attention, mainly because there have to be more important/pressing things to spend my time doing - right? Well, yes, and also what's the point of writing on a blog if no one else is going to read it? I know my stuff, so I am not interesting in reproducing it here for me to read as I am not going to do that....
However, here I am, 6 or 7 months later posting for the 4th time. I could tell the world about Bend and it's people, but if anyone is really interested, then they can look at my facebook page. Honestly, we live in the most accessible time ever with email, voicemail, FB, IM, twitter and on and on so on and and yet people are still, if not even more so, feeling as lonely and neglected and desperately wanting to be loved as they were before. So, what's my part in letting them know that there is a God who created them and loves them and a Jesus who died for them who came that they may have abundant life? That's what I spend most of my time thinking about.

Yesterday I was able to connect with the Leadership Summit at Willow Creek Community Church in Chicago and heard my former PM talking about faith. I was really surprised by his honesty, integrity and comments.....He calls it the "Irreducible Core."

"There are things you have to take a stand for and not yield on…the irreducible core. What is my irreducible core? What do I hold as fundamental conviction…if you push me on that, ask me to compromise on that, it’s no deal. walk away"
Tony Blair, August 8, 2009.

So what's my irreducible core? I am not yet able to articulate it, but I am working on it.

So, as I find myself about to embark on my final year of this MDiv program, I am cognizant of many things. Each moment is a moment that comes, goes and will never be experienced again. Last year I lived in paradise (Aka Bend, Oregon) and one of the best things for me was the extent of the outdoor activity. (Everyone is fit, no one is overweight, health is in abundance.....at least that is what it seemed.....) Anyway, almost immediately upon arriving I was invited to experience the outdoors; climbing Mt. Bachelor, Mt. Tumalo, kayaking on Sparks Lake, Elk Lake, and Hosmar and of course I took my camera everywhere I went. But we know that 2-d photos can never capture the true essence of the reality of the moment and I was sometimes disappointed in the photos but my point is that once the moment has passed, it's passed. It's gone, it's history and we are onto the next moment. But every moment counts, and needs to be used well. David, the shepherd turned King, prayed that his creator would teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom. Last weekend Mosa Sono, senior pastor of Grace Bible Church, Soweto, an area near Johannesburg, South Africa, spoke to us about time savers and time wasters. They were not the usual ones that comes to mind - watching TV, surfing the net, facebooking, and so on, but rather things like being in the will of God will save us time. Did you know, because I didn't, that had the Israelites done exactly as they were commanded to do, they would have arrived at their destination in ONE MONTH; it took them 40 years????? I suppose when one thinks about it, the land between Egypt and Canaan is not that large and the Israelites traveled in circles, out of God's will for them. Another thing he said was that we can waste time allowing things in our past to spoil our futures, allowing those unresolved issues to drag on and on and on. He directed us to Heb 4:26;

"...in your anger, do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."

I have always thought that that meant that both parties needed to not be angry and really it means that my responsibility is that I am not angry and I have done all I can do to forgive the other party. That is not easy....but God has forgiven me much, so how can I sit in the place of judgment? I can't.

And then there was the converse - how to make the best use of time.
#1 - Put God first in my life. "Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness, and all things will be given to you as well."
So that is it.....whatever else is going on in my life, be that Greek or something else, God has to come first, every day, and I know what that means for me.

Well, whether or not this is read by anyone else, I have reminded myself of what is important as a fully loved daughter of the most High God.