The sounding of TIME

I do not know why I suddenly feel so compelled to write - twice in two days - but I think it has to do with the fact that I have noticed the Big Ben-style clock located on our college campus has started to ding every 15 minutes. It was about a week ago, when sitting on the grass with two other CPE colleagues, we were remarking on the fact that the clock only dings at Noon and at 5pm - never at any other time. So I am acutely aware that it is now dinging every 15 minutes because it sure did not do that before. Also, what happened to the music? After the noon day and 5pm chimes, we were always entertained with some well known hymn; well known, that is, if you are a Covenanter - particularly if you have Swedish roots or heritage. Some of these hymns I know: I ought to as I am about to be a pastor but more so than that, I actually love hymns so when "Be thou my vision," "Great is thy faithfulness," "How Great thy art," or any such familiarity sounds across the campus, my subconscious picks up and starts singing along with them. However, no such melodies ring out after the chimes any more. Perhaps they will return along with the voices of 2000 college students in less than a month's time though I will not be here to hear them. My time on this campus is nearly over - and it's time to move. Move, that is, from being a Seminary student to something else, hopefully that something else will involve a pay packet miraculously entering my bank account with regular certainty.

So, what has this got to do with the songless clock? Everything. It brings with great clarity the passing of time and how much I use it well, waste it, consider it, wonder about what it will bring next, how much we have left of it, what will I do with it today, this time next week, next month, next year, next decade...what will time be doing with me, in me, about me and around me? Hearing the passing of each 15 minute intervals is not helpful. Not right now anyway.
In Edinburgh, the city where I was born and raised, a daily ritual takes place from the battlements of the Castle. The locals affectionately call this ritual the "One o'clock gun." Yup, that's right, Scotland being as old as it is has castles and battlements and tour guides playing dress-up in crazy uniforms telling the visitors the history and wonders of my country of birth (which is quite different from the fantastical version depicted in "Braveheart." Every day, since 1861, the gun has fired at 1pm as a time signal for shipping in the Firth of Forth and the Port of Leith. Now, each time that gun is fired, all within range know that the time and will instinctively look at their watches (though I suspect the watch looking will have been replaced by the reaching for our phones as those of us under a certain age do not wear watches anymore).

The thing is, though, I do not want to be reminded of time and it's passing; I am already more than aware of that reality. In two weeks I will cease to be a chaplain at Swedish Covenant Hospital and I will not be living in this apartment. I will most likely have no job to go to and have no definite plans as to what is next. Friends will have moved away, new people will have arrived on campus with whom I will not get to know, and what am I doing in the USA anyway? (A question my parents ask themselves daily).

A continual theme that keeps surfacing in my life is "Do not worry." Versions on the theme include, "Do not be anxious," "Trust in the Lord, " Be strong and courageous, "Do not be afraid," "Do not be discouraged;" you get the picture. I have been immersed in Scriptures that force me to trust. (Did I really use the word, "force?" Oh, yes, I did...) Over a year ago, the beginning of the book of Joshua spoke loudly into my life and I was caught by how many times God tells Joshua to be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, be VERY strong; over and over again, so there must have been a good reason for God to say this to Joshua of all people. Isn't Joshua one of those people who we first think of being a risk taker, a mover and shaker, and one who need not be told to be strong or courageous or reminded that God is with him? After all, he and his mate Caleb were the only two out of the twelve that obeyed their leader Moses and did what they were asked in seeking out the land that had ALREADY been promised to them by God. They came back with a good report - actually it was a great report. And now Moses is dead and God tells Joshua that it's his turn; "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you (and all these people)." But really the emphasis is on you; you, Joshua, you. There's no time for grieving, Joshua. Yup, you have lost your mentor, friend, leader and supporter, but you do not have time to grieve the moment. In my current chaplain thinking, this is not good advice. He needs time to mourn, to grieve, to remember all the good and happy times that they had together, leading the Israelites...
But I digress...this is the theme in my life: BE STRONG, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Those final three words are the most terrifying right now because I do not know where I am about to go. So, I keep on trusting (actually growing in my trust in the Lord), knowing that somewhere deep in my being, though the future is uncertain, it is a future WITH God; with my maker and sustainer, with my leader and provider, with the giver of supernatural peace and provision even in the midst of worldly circumstances that would speak loudly to tell me otherwise.

There goes another round of dings to signal the passing of another 15 minutes...

Coffee

Did I tell you that I am addicted to coffee? I say, "you," because there might be someone reading this though I doubt it. I have not posted for nearly a year for lots of reasons, the first being that writing a blog was the least of my priorities over the past 12 months. The second being that there seems not much to write about and everyone is writing a blog, most of them not worth the reading unless you are that writer's mother.... Even then, there's enough Facebook to keep us all occupied in other's lives without getting hooked on blogs as well. Nevertheless, here is another blog post from me.

So, back to coffee - I am addicted. Actually, the truth is that I am addicted to becoming a Starbucks "gold" member - in much the same way that George Clooney's character in "Up in the air" was addicted to becoming a million mile member - or was it billion? I am not sure; I saw the movie only one time and at that stage in the movie I had written it off as a little depressing...

However, back to coffee. Starbucks company have made the possibility of my becoming a gold member far too easy so as the goal is obtainable, even for a graduate student at the end of her studies (i.e. no money), I am on the road to get my card. I wonder how I will feel once I get to my goal? Probably a little dissatisfied so perhaps I should not be so eager to get to it. It is encouraging me to buy coffee for others though so in my selfish ambition, am I actually a little generous? Perhaps, but only a little. A couple of weeks ago I actually persuaded a friend to go with me to Caribou instead of Starbucks but I was disappointed with that too...not strong enough...and $4 for coffee and hot milk...an overpriced drink calling itself a vanilla latte (extra hot) was not worth the money. For a brief moment on a Sunday morning, I can buy a luxury item and enjoy it...but the moment is only a moment.

The thing is though, I really love the coffee. Actually, I love the idea of the process in making the coffee - the final drinking of drinking it is not as good as the making of it. Grinding the beans, filling the container with freshly filtered water, and hearing the gurgling of the machine as the water turns from clear to a beautiful shade of dark chocolate in a mug - yum - the perfect accompaniment to Bible and journal in the early hours of the day. I have definitely upped my intake of coffee - Starbucks CEO and shareholders rejoice - but wonder what havoc it is causing to my insides.

Tomorrow I am going to a friend's wedding. After the last wedding I attended I said that was it for me in weddings unless it was my own. However the comment was rash in that I already knew that I would be coming to this one - I will smile and look like I am really happy for the couple (which is true) and that I am quite content in my non-married state (which is not true). I honestly thought that I would be married by now - isn't that supposed to be the "normal" course of events? High school, college, job/career/ married/children/grad school? I missed out those middle 2 - I know that marriage is not the be all and end all.....but it would be nice....

Ok, time to get some beauty sleep in the hope that I may meet someone tomorrow....I have hoped for that before at other friend's weddings...

Good night....whoever you are.