The sounding of TIME

I do not know why I suddenly feel so compelled to write - twice in two days - but I think it has to do with the fact that I have noticed the Big Ben-style clock located on our college campus has started to ding every 15 minutes. It was about a week ago, when sitting on the grass with two other CPE colleagues, we were remarking on the fact that the clock only dings at Noon and at 5pm - never at any other time. So I am acutely aware that it is now dinging every 15 minutes because it sure did not do that before. Also, what happened to the music? After the noon day and 5pm chimes, we were always entertained with some well known hymn; well known, that is, if you are a Covenanter - particularly if you have Swedish roots or heritage. Some of these hymns I know: I ought to as I am about to be a pastor but more so than that, I actually love hymns so when "Be thou my vision," "Great is thy faithfulness," "How Great thy art," or any such familiarity sounds across the campus, my subconscious picks up and starts singing along with them. However, no such melodies ring out after the chimes any more. Perhaps they will return along with the voices of 2000 college students in less than a month's time though I will not be here to hear them. My time on this campus is nearly over - and it's time to move. Move, that is, from being a Seminary student to something else, hopefully that something else will involve a pay packet miraculously entering my bank account with regular certainty.

So, what has this got to do with the songless clock? Everything. It brings with great clarity the passing of time and how much I use it well, waste it, consider it, wonder about what it will bring next, how much we have left of it, what will I do with it today, this time next week, next month, next year, next decade...what will time be doing with me, in me, about me and around me? Hearing the passing of each 15 minute intervals is not helpful. Not right now anyway.
In Edinburgh, the city where I was born and raised, a daily ritual takes place from the battlements of the Castle. The locals affectionately call this ritual the "One o'clock gun." Yup, that's right, Scotland being as old as it is has castles and battlements and tour guides playing dress-up in crazy uniforms telling the visitors the history and wonders of my country of birth (which is quite different from the fantastical version depicted in "Braveheart." Every day, since 1861, the gun has fired at 1pm as a time signal for shipping in the Firth of Forth and the Port of Leith. Now, each time that gun is fired, all within range know that the time and will instinctively look at their watches (though I suspect the watch looking will have been replaced by the reaching for our phones as those of us under a certain age do not wear watches anymore).

The thing is, though, I do not want to be reminded of time and it's passing; I am already more than aware of that reality. In two weeks I will cease to be a chaplain at Swedish Covenant Hospital and I will not be living in this apartment. I will most likely have no job to go to and have no definite plans as to what is next. Friends will have moved away, new people will have arrived on campus with whom I will not get to know, and what am I doing in the USA anyway? (A question my parents ask themselves daily).

A continual theme that keeps surfacing in my life is "Do not worry." Versions on the theme include, "Do not be anxious," "Trust in the Lord, " Be strong and courageous, "Do not be afraid," "Do not be discouraged;" you get the picture. I have been immersed in Scriptures that force me to trust. (Did I really use the word, "force?" Oh, yes, I did...) Over a year ago, the beginning of the book of Joshua spoke loudly into my life and I was caught by how many times God tells Joshua to be strong and courageous, do not be afraid, be VERY strong; over and over again, so there must have been a good reason for God to say this to Joshua of all people. Isn't Joshua one of those people who we first think of being a risk taker, a mover and shaker, and one who need not be told to be strong or courageous or reminded that God is with him? After all, he and his mate Caleb were the only two out of the twelve that obeyed their leader Moses and did what they were asked in seeking out the land that had ALREADY been promised to them by God. They came back with a good report - actually it was a great report. And now Moses is dead and God tells Joshua that it's his turn; "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you (and all these people)." But really the emphasis is on you; you, Joshua, you. There's no time for grieving, Joshua. Yup, you have lost your mentor, friend, leader and supporter, but you do not have time to grieve the moment. In my current chaplain thinking, this is not good advice. He needs time to mourn, to grieve, to remember all the good and happy times that they had together, leading the Israelites...
But I digress...this is the theme in my life: BE STRONG, do not be afraid, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Those final three words are the most terrifying right now because I do not know where I am about to go. So, I keep on trusting (actually growing in my trust in the Lord), knowing that somewhere deep in my being, though the future is uncertain, it is a future WITH God; with my maker and sustainer, with my leader and provider, with the giver of supernatural peace and provision even in the midst of worldly circumstances that would speak loudly to tell me otherwise.

There goes another round of dings to signal the passing of another 15 minutes...

Coffee

Did I tell you that I am addicted to coffee? I say, "you," because there might be someone reading this though I doubt it. I have not posted for nearly a year for lots of reasons, the first being that writing a blog was the least of my priorities over the past 12 months. The second being that there seems not much to write about and everyone is writing a blog, most of them not worth the reading unless you are that writer's mother.... Even then, there's enough Facebook to keep us all occupied in other's lives without getting hooked on blogs as well. Nevertheless, here is another blog post from me.

So, back to coffee - I am addicted. Actually, the truth is that I am addicted to becoming a Starbucks "gold" member - in much the same way that George Clooney's character in "Up in the air" was addicted to becoming a million mile member - or was it billion? I am not sure; I saw the movie only one time and at that stage in the movie I had written it off as a little depressing...

However, back to coffee. Starbucks company have made the possibility of my becoming a gold member far too easy so as the goal is obtainable, even for a graduate student at the end of her studies (i.e. no money), I am on the road to get my card. I wonder how I will feel once I get to my goal? Probably a little dissatisfied so perhaps I should not be so eager to get to it. It is encouraging me to buy coffee for others though so in my selfish ambition, am I actually a little generous? Perhaps, but only a little. A couple of weeks ago I actually persuaded a friend to go with me to Caribou instead of Starbucks but I was disappointed with that too...not strong enough...and $4 for coffee and hot milk...an overpriced drink calling itself a vanilla latte (extra hot) was not worth the money. For a brief moment on a Sunday morning, I can buy a luxury item and enjoy it...but the moment is only a moment.

The thing is though, I really love the coffee. Actually, I love the idea of the process in making the coffee - the final drinking of drinking it is not as good as the making of it. Grinding the beans, filling the container with freshly filtered water, and hearing the gurgling of the machine as the water turns from clear to a beautiful shade of dark chocolate in a mug - yum - the perfect accompaniment to Bible and journal in the early hours of the day. I have definitely upped my intake of coffee - Starbucks CEO and shareholders rejoice - but wonder what havoc it is causing to my insides.

Tomorrow I am going to a friend's wedding. After the last wedding I attended I said that was it for me in weddings unless it was my own. However the comment was rash in that I already knew that I would be coming to this one - I will smile and look like I am really happy for the couple (which is true) and that I am quite content in my non-married state (which is not true). I honestly thought that I would be married by now - isn't that supposed to be the "normal" course of events? High school, college, job/career/ married/children/grad school? I missed out those middle 2 - I know that marriage is not the be all and end all.....but it would be nice....

Ok, time to get some beauty sleep in the hope that I may meet someone tomorrow....I have hoped for that before at other friend's weddings...

Good night....whoever you are.

The movement of TIME

How is time going SO fast? I don't remember it ever going this fast. We are into week #7 of school....well, actually for me I think of it as being week #13, given that I studied Greek for 6 weeks and did not get a break so the way I am feeling right now is exactly where I should be for this stage of the semester.

Did I tell you that we have the best apartment view on campus? Well, we do.
I am sitting at my desk and if I swivel my chair around I can see the Sears Tower and the tower from Old Main. I have started to take pictures from the decking as after this year is over, I will be able to pictorially track the seasons in all their glorious colors. Shadows even in the middle of the day cast longer than they did 2 months ago, the mornings bring wonderfully crisp chills though I sit in my fleece, hot coffee in hand thankful that I have endless amounts of heat available at the touch of a button (well, not so much...i have to turn the dial).

So, back to time. It's Wednesday already and tomorrow is Thursday. Soon we will be into another weekend though next week will be delightfully class free, on account of fall break. I am not sure whether I think that routine makes time go faster or lack of routine turns time and days into an endless hours of freedom; I suppose that also depends on whether or not life is enjoyable so it is for me right now. That doesn't stop me from wishing that I could put the breaks on our days and want for the weeks, days, hours and seconds to slow down so that I can enjoy them all the more. We only have so many days and are called to make the most of every moment.

With that in mind, I need to go and study for my next midterm.

Keeping you posted on time....

Comparisons...

I have recently been considering this word and it's implications in my life; past and present but hopefully in a different way for the future. Have you ever been compared to someone else, in looks, style, gifts, talents, academic abilities and so on? I would be surprised to hear you say, "no" and even more surprised if you were to tell me that you, yourself, have not compared yourself to another in some way. I suppose from our earliest moments we are being compared to another - my kid is smarter, has learned faster, can already write their name, can read what the charts tells us they are able to read at their age, has "good" friends, is nice to those friends, is the right height, weight, shape, whatever that is desirable and this list goes on through grade school, middle and then high school. Then we get to college. I did my undergrad degree at a music conservatoire and comparisons by professors with my peers decided whether or not I was chosen for the chamber ("elite") orchestra, ensembles, or elected to attend particular conferences and seminars....lots of "who's better than the next" going on. It was written into our curriculum (or so it seemed), our esteem, our confidence and our futures. I suppose that when I look back on those times, it is no wonder that comparison to the other is almost intrinsically stained deeply my being and part of my thinking.

I am a compare freak. I admit it - and I am in the process of letting go of this dis-ease because I believe that it is one of the most unhealthy and well used tools of the evil one. If we can be convinced that we are less than what we are designed to be, then we will perhaps start losing the absolute truth that God is for us and not against us and that we uniquely designed, not for competition, but for good.

Last year my roommate, Sarah, and I were looking for internships and she secured her's before I did. She was leaving Chicago before I was; she would be driving out to Seattle for a coffee-shop job. I couldn't take any off-campus employment; the US government and visa regulations will not allow me. Sarah was going to a "healthy" church, with a pastor she had met at the Covenant's Annual Pastor's gathering (Mid Winter Conference). Sarah was prepared to go anywhere, and was fairly relaxed about where that anywhere was. I, on the other hand, really wanted to go to a church that was nearer the UK, i.e., the East Coast, or as close to Chicago as I could get, if not actually remaining in Chicago. However, God had other plans for me, plans that I did not like....a move to the Pacific North West (2000 miles in the "wrong" direction), a small church, one that had struggled and was apparently still struggling. Sarah was going to live with a couple who had consistently opened their home to young people in need of a home; no such place for me; I was invited to a couple with 2 very young children - apparently they were the only people to offer. Sarah sounded as if she would have a lot of space; I couldn't imagine space with 2 young children. Sarah was a small group coach on campus; I wanted to be one but was not given that opportunity. Sarah, it seemed got what she wanted; I did not. And yet, all the time, I was coming to realize that while I was comparing myself to her, God was gently telling me and showing me that He had plans uniquely for me; that was with what I needed to be concerned; not what was going on with others. Comparisons like these are dangerous and not worth the time and mind space to which I freely give them.

I have been considering comparisons in the Bible; they usually ended in disaster so perhaps the wisdom lies there. It starts with Cain getting upset that Abel's offering to the LORD was looked on with favor, but on Cain's offering, God did not look with favor. So Cain got mad, sulked and whined and in anger, killed his younger sibling. God was clear to Cain:

"Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?" (Genesis 4:6-7)

Cain knew what was the right thing to do but he didn't do it. He got upset that his brother was getting all the credit. Esau and Jacob were compared to each other by their parents (aren't parents supposed to love their children uniquely?) and they hated each other for a while. As Joseph's brothers compared themselves to him, they got bitter, threw him in a pit, then made money out of selling him to a bunch of Ishmaelites - kind of shoddy treatment to do to your flesh and blood.

The gospel writer, Luke, records an argument that broke out amongst the disciples about who was the greatest and Jesus demonstrated that the least is the greatest among us. But of all the biblical examples, it is disciple Peter who hits close to where my heart is when after all that has happened, he still turns around and seeing his buddy, John, asks Jesus what's going to happen to him. Jesus' answer strikes gently but firmly to the core of this post;

"If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." John 21:22

What is that to you? I wince at those words...I must follow Jesus and the road marked out uniquely for me. The comparison game is dangerous and out of tune with what is for me...not what is for someone else.

I want to be like King David who said, "Who am I, Sovereign Lord, and what is my familyk that you have brought me this far?" (2 Samuel 7:18) The Soverign Lord who has brought me through many dangers, toils and snares, but all the time preparing me for what is uniquely for me and not for anyone else. What else can I do but follow what is specific for me?

I will keep you posted on progress...

Good wisdom

So I read this today and wanted to share it;

Keep your eye on the prize, and you will get through...God will get you through.

When you say, "I am too tired", God says "I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30).
When you say "I can't go on", God says "My grace is sufficient" (II Cor 12:9 & Psalm 91:15).
When you say "I can't manage", God says "I will supply all your needs" (Philippians 4:19).
When you say "I am afraid", God says "I have not given you a spirit of fear" (II Tim 1:7).
When you say, "I can't figure things out", God says "I will direct your steps" (Proverbs 3:5-6).
When you say, "I feel all alone", God says "I will never leave you" (Hebrews 13:5)

That's all for today...

Sabbath rest

There is a reason that God commanded us to have a day of rest - or at least a time set aside when we would rest from our work;

"Six days you shall labor and so all your work. But the seventh is a sabbath to the LORD your God; you shall not do any work - you or your son or your daughter...remember that you were a slave in the Land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm; therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the sabbath day." Deut 5:12

So today, after wise counsel from a friend, I rested - and had sabbath. After lunch, I decided to trust that even though the urge to go directly to the library and study for the week ahead was overwhelming (and perhaps normal routine) but as I am learning more about trust and also about God's faithfulness, I went to the beach instead. Quite the place to be as we are almost into the fall and so those days of summer and slumber are nearly over. Not that I was able to do any slumbering this summer - I have in years gone by and will perhaps again in the future. So I am trusting that God knows how tired I am, and therefore commanded to His people that they were to rest, not only them, but their families, servants and all those who resided amongst them to do so as well.

If only we were better at following this command but somehow we have allowed ourselves to sink into the state that if we are not busy all the time, the world will fall apart without us - which of course is not true, but we really do live like this - as westerners. How many of us who confess Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord can honestly say that we build Sabbath rest into our lives? Surely if God has commanded us to do so and He made us, He knows that we need it. Perhaps there would not be as many burned out people as there are in our workplaces if we all enjoyed Sabbath and encouraged each other to do likewise.

Tonight was also a gift. Foot washing with the sophomores...

"Now before the festival of the Passover, Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart from this world and go to the Father. Having loved his won who were in the world, he loved them to the end...And during supper, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had some from God and was going to God, got up from the table, took off his outer robe, and tied a towel around himself. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples feet and to wipe them with the towel that was tied around him....

After he has washed their feet, had put on his robe, and had returned to the table, he said to them, 'Do you know what I have done to you? You call me teacher and Lord and you are right, for that is what I am. So if I, your Lord and Teacher have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have set you an example, that you also should do as I have done to you.'" John 13; 1-15

So that's what we did as a symbol of serving each other, the North Park community, the neighborhood and the area of Chicago and the world as God calls us. Pretty cool!

Good night friends.

Trust...

This morning I read the following;

"Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever.

As the mountains surround Jerusalem, so the Lord sourrounds his people both now and forevermore."

These verses are from Ps 125 and the theme of trust is a big one for me right now.

So why TRUST in particular? Well, I think that I wonder whether God is always for me or whether He is always for other people and only sometimes for me...sounds crazy but I think that I have lived some of my most recent life like that. People who know me well know that I did not want to go to Bend, OR, and then a year later had a lot of trouble leaving the place that I had grown to love and had loved me back. As I was driving from Bend to Chicago, I wondered if it would ever be possible for me to go back as there as a pastor after graduation as there was, for now, no Covenant Church and therefore no job possibilities. My heart still counts that as a home - very close to my first home in Edinburgh - and what about my "family" that I have left there? When am I going to see them again, and will we continue to be in each other's lives, albeit, from afar. So could God really call me to a place that is as good for me as Bend was or have I run out of my "good" coupons? What a crazy thing to think that the infinite God of the universe, who by His very word called light and it was so...darkness and it was so...the sun, the moon, the creatures...and it was so....How could this God run out of good? He is good so has an endless amount of good to give to His children. So I am learning to trust that God has way more good for me than all I could ask for or imagine and while this is a very different season of life from last year, it is not all bad - if indeed it is bad at all.

I have just finished the first week of my final year here at North Park, and I am exhausted. Usually at the beginning of the school year I am full of energy, raring to go, waking very early in the morning and enjoying the morning sounds with less noise outside, fewer fire trucks/ambulances, cars, and people, and the air is that bit fresher...however, not this semester. I am tired, mostly from jumping straight from arriving back to Chicago and into the Greek intensive class. Last week was moving week and then here we are, straight into school. Last week was far from restful as Sarah and I moved boxes and furniture into our "new" apartment, and then went about the task of unpacking those boxes and arranging our belongings as we wished....however there is only so much of that I can do at the one time. This weekend will be to unpack my "winter" suitcase, arrange the few remaining items into their allotted place and get on with the task of school with classes and assignments and all that school brings.

Yesterday I met with a friend who I have got to know a little over this past year and she reminded me that all I need to do is what I have to do to get myself through school....enough to do justice to what I been called to do, but not so much that I get stressed by the amount that there is to do...which could be a lot with 5 classes. So I spent most of this afternoon putting due dates into my calender and beginning to do reading and assignments already assigned. It feels good to have done that and to know that I still have Saturday and Sunday to continue the study process. Already I have 2 quizzes next week so I need to get onto that. With 2 language classes this semester, both are demanding and needing my attention in force so I am trying to keep my head above water as much as I can.

So trusting that God has me more than covered, knows exactly how exhausted I really am and longs for me to sit with Him every day wherever and whenever I can knowing that Jesus is the One who said, "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." So this is where I come, knowing that, as a human being, I will get tired and there is only one place to lay that burden.

Blessings my friends.